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Her Age

admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:01:39 +0000

Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Harold interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

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Her Age

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Remaining as enemies

admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:01:39 +0000

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

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Remaining as enemies

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Optimist vs. Pessimist

admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:01:39 +0000

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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Optimist vs. Pessimist

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How To Please a Woman

admin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:24:37 +0000

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short
and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here
are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are
tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman.”

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How To Please a Woman

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Scary Fish

admin — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 11:00:21 +0000

Some of the strangest pictures fish.

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Scary Fish

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Scary Bugs

admin — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 18:01:05 +0000

These bugs are so creepy.

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Scary Bugs

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Santa Hates Your Kid

admin — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:01:23 +0000

8. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”

7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

3. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the stupid list

2. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”

1. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”

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Santa Hates Your Kid

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The Ducks in Heaven

admin — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:01:23 +0000

Jake, Greg, and John all die and go to Heaven. When they get to
Heaven’s gates, St. Peter says that Heaven is the best place
ever and that they may stay there for eternity and be very happy
if the just follow the one and only rule: don’t step on a duck.
If you step on a duck, it starts quacking, and then they ALL
start quacking, and it’s just way too much racket! Jake, Greg,
and John all think that this rule is pretty strange, but they
agree and go into Heaven. Then they see that everywhere there’s
ducks. There were so many ducks that they had a hard time just
walking around in heaven.

Now Jake tried hard not to step on a duck, but he was quite
clumsy, and almost immediately he stepped on a duck. It started
quacking, then they all started quacking, creating a huge
racket. Immediately St. Peter marched up to him and screamed “I
told you not to step on a duck! Now see what you did? It started
quacking, and they ALL started quacking, and it’s just too much
noise!” And he chained a ferocious-looking Amazon woman onto him
to stay for all eternity as punishment.

Seeing this, Greg was VERY careful not to step on a duck. But,
after a few weeks, he stepped on one anyway. It started
quacking, then they all started quacking, and St. Peter marched
up to him. “I told you not to step on a duck!” he screamed, and
chained to him a horrid-looking shrew-like woman to stay for all
of eternity as punishment.

Now John was EXTREMELY careful not to step on a duck. Actually,
he didn’t step on a duck for seven whole months! Then St. Peter
came up to him and chained to him a beautiful blonde woman for
all of eternity.

“Wow,” said John, “I wonder what I did to deserve this!” “I
don’t know about you,” the woman said, “but I stepped on a duck!”

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The Ducks in Heaven

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He Said She Said

admin — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:01:20 +0000

He said.. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.

She said..You wear briefs, don’t you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said.. It’s not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you

She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said.. I would, but you’re never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said.. That’s a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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He Said She Said

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Does it hurt when you do this?

admin — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:27:15 +0000

Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, don’t do that.

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Does it hurt when you do this?

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What is the oldest profession?

admin — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:18:08 +0000

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

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Succeed Bumper Sticker

admin — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:01:02 +0000

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

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Succeed Bumper Sticker

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Bill Gates can choose his punishment

admin — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:01:02 +0000

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, “Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95 among other indiscretions. I believe I’ll do something I’ve never done before; I’ll let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?” Looking slightly puzzled, God said, “Better yet, why don’t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?”

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, “I think I’ll try Hell first.” So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill’s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. “This is great,” he thought, “if this is Hell, I can’t wait to see heaven.”

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

“So, how is everything going?” God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! It’s nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place….with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

“That was the demo,” replied God.

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Bill Gates can choose his punishment

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Diplomat wants water

admin — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 16:46:38 +0000

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

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Diplomat wants water

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Finding The Car

admin — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:31:02 +0000

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

‘What the heck are you doing ?’ he asks the drunk.

‘I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.’ he replies.

‘So how does feeling the roof help you ?’ asks the puzzled manager.

‘Well,’ replies the drunk earnestly, ‘MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!’.

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Finding The Car

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