CAPTION THIS: Two American Heroes Argue Over Who Has Gotten Higher In Their Lifetime
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Hollywood’s two new favorite non-actors Buzz Aldrin and Shaun White attended the Vanity Fair Oscar Party last night. I’m guessing they are pitching a movie about snowboarders who accidentally attend space camp due to a paperwork mixup:

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TRAILER MIX: Just In Case You Wanted All Of Iron Man 2 Ruined For Yourself, Watch This
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Now that the Oscars are behind us, we never had to hear the words “Avatar” or “The Hurt Locker” or “The Novel Push By Sapphire” ever again for the rest of time. We do, however, have to hear the words Iron Man 2 for another few months, and a new trailer was dropped on an unsuspecting public last night. Not to give too much away, but this trailer gives too much away:

I’ll still be there opening night, even though I know how it ends now: Tony Stark replaces Don Cheadle with Gabourey Sidibe.

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While You Were Queen Of The World
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

• Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director at the Oscars and her film The Hurt Locker took Best Picture. As per the new Academy rules, however, she has to let James Cameron lick both statues.
• Despite lasting over three hours last night, the Oscars had to cut the traditional number of Hitler jokes down to just two.
• Christoph Waltz won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Inglourious Basterds. If history has its way, he should be starring in the Boat Trip sequel by this time next year.
• At the Vanity Fair Oscar Party last night, Jennifer Aniston was spotted making out with one of the prawns from District 9. She’ll never learn, that one.
• In one of the biggest snubs of the night, Fisher Stevens, producer of the winning documentary The Cove, forgot to thank his Short Circuit costar Johnny 5. It was sooo awkward.
• Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland made $116,000,000 this weekend, making it a shoo-in to lose to The Hurt Locker 2: Locked N’ Loaded next year.

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Oscars Liveblog. 7 PM. Right Here. The TIME. For QUESTIONS. IS OVER.
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Looking for some Oscars coverage? You’re in luck! You’ve come to the only website or site of any kind (camp, grave, you name it) that is covering the 2010 Academy Awards.

This coming Sunday night, starting at 7:00 pm, join us for LIVEBLOGGING THE OSCARS, featuring myself, Anthony from The Fab Life, and YOU! And I don’t mean “you” in that hypothetical “everyone can contribute” way — I mean that only you, the person reading this, have literally just been hired by us to help liveblog the Oscars! Alright, I did mean it in an “everyone can comment” kind of way. But we don’t get paid either, if that helps.

Where’s Michelle, you ask? You are one disingenuous-ass commenter, commenter that I made up (I’ll call you “Mary Disengenuo”). Well, Mary, Michelle will be too busy hosting her own live, in-person Oscar party at the 92Y Tribeca in New York. So if you require actual human contact to enjoy your Oscar-watching, and are near New York city, you can go there.

If not, you’ll have to settle for inhuman, distant, digital contact with yours truly! To make it more intimate, I will be Chat Roulette masturbating the entire time I’m liveblogging, which you won’t be able to watch, but it’ll come across in the tone of my writing. Plus I have literally hundreds of awesome jokes prepared about the documentary short China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province. That sucker’s gettin’ SO ROASTED Sunday night.

BWE.tv. 7:00 pm. Sunday night. Oscars. Presenters. Speeches. Predictions. Fragments. Be there! (Here!)



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My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives: From OC to NY, Idiots, All of Them
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Last night, The Real Housewives of The O.C. came to a dramatic close, and in true amazing Bravo form, it led right into the season premiere of The Real Housewives of New York – kind of like The O.C., but cattier, and more brunette.

As per tradition, I phoned up my dear mother, Judy Collins of Miami, Florida, to get her opinion about both episodes. Judy was in a bit of a rush this evening, as her and my father have a new kitten to attend to.

So let’s begin with the amazing finale of The O.C. Housewives: A Giant Party, Slutty Dresses, Drunk Children and a F**king Divorce.

Judy begins: “The setting was like paradise! Oh my God. I was happy to see Jeanna. And let me tell you: I was so glad that she’s fatter than me. That, I think, made my evening. Here is an ex-Playboy bunny and she’s fatter than me! Now Vicky… that dress… my coworker emailed me and thought it was hot, but I don’t know. Some people think that dimples are pretty. Gretchen? I didn’t like when she came with the white dress and they were making fun of her. So what?? She came to a nice summer party. She’s so beautiful. As dumb as she is, I have to forgive her cause she’s such a beauty. You can’t have everything – and God gave her a body and a face.”

On to Tamra: “Uch, Simon! I only hope that Hitler is going to come and get him. The good side of Hitler, the one that likes the dogs. First of all, I think he got ugly. He used to be cute, but now he’s got tuchus for face. And he really is a jealous disgusting human being. I cannot stand him.”

“Tamra I felt a little bit sorry for her that she’s married to an assh*le like this. I hope that this guy eats sh*t. I wish that this economic downturn will never turn back. And that’s from my good side wishes it on him.”

“Tamra’s dress? I thought it was sensational, and I didn’t think it was that short. I’ve seen her in far more revealing dresses than that. The guy is just nasty. He never tells her when her boobs are hanging out, and she has pretty legs. I thought it was like a sack. He is A D*CK. He deserves nothing but the worst in life.”

“And let’s take care of that assh*le Lynn, who definitely has hay for brains. I want people to do an MRI on her brain, they’re gonna find sh*t in there that nobody else has. Two disturbed f*cked up daughters. And they’ll never get better. They are NEVER gonna get better. I feel very bad for her husband, he’s working for her now. He’s such a nice guy! That to protect them he never said what’s going on in his job. And after she knew!! She had the audacity to spend $1200 to spend on an ugly jacket! People like this should be hung in the OC piazza.”

“I mean how stupid are you, seriously? And Alexis I don’t even want to talk about because… she and her mafioso husband, what a dog ugly… fooy.”

Very insightful, no? But we’re not done. Here is my mother’s more-rambling-than usual recap of The Real Housewives of NY premiere:

“Wow. Let me tell you something. Bethenny’s new boyfriend looks very gay to me.”

“This guy — I’m telling daddy ‘This guy is so gay!’ Daddy said ‘But he impregnated her!’ I said ‘Yeah, but on the way he blew somebody!’ (I break into the conversation to agree with my mother on this point, comparing Bethenny’s boyfriend to one of my mother’s ex-managers, a gay.) “They look exactly alike!! Did you talk to Daddy? Did he tell you I said that? You know, there are apples that don’t fall far from the tree? Your apple is too close to my apple.” (Will repeat this line to my therapist at some point.)

“And Jill’s overbearingness with Bethenny… There was something there yesterday that I totally equated with my relationship with Christina (Ed. Note: A former friend). For Jill to call her 4 times a day, and wanting to with her on vacation — whether the guy is gay or not! Oh, if you go, we’ll come with you? Really? You wanna shove yourself up my ass?? That was Christina. Who can tolerate this after a while? You need a little buffer zone. So I had to start lying to her that we’re going to family on the holidays, if you remember, so she wouldn’t come. I need a friendship where I have to start to lie to you because you are overbearing? (Ed. Note: The previous question is how Jewish people make statements) The best thing that ever happened to me was yanking her out of my life like some cancer.”

“Well first of all, Luanne is a sick human being. I don’t know who Chief Kish Mir In Tuchus is, but what is this Countess business? Who do you call Countess? We live in a democracy!! Real royalty, seriously, they don’t insist that people should call them by their titles, because in the US we don’t bow and we don’t kiss ass to no countess! Where is she from? From Connecticut!! Some Indian town. I’m glad her husband dumped her! She deserved it.” (Way harsh, Mom.)

“I have never seen any of the O.C .girls constantly talk behind the back and bickering like here. And this is the Countess? Where is half a brain? And the one that I hate the most. That Kelly. Oy gevalt. I’m telling you Mr. Ed. Put them side by side! Same face. I’m waiting to see the two new cast members cause maybe there’s half a brain in there somewhere.”

“Bethenny? She doesn’t bother me. She’s a smart girl. She knows how to finagle. You know what, she made something of herself. That countess business has to end ASAP. Seriously.”

“Ramona. Well. As meshuge as Ramona is — and she has crazy eyes — but that Luanne has no business bringing this up on the boat. Mario can’t be normal, he’s married to Ramona, what do you want? And then for Jill to stick her nose – Let Luanne fight her own battles! But these Jews they have to be in everything. She had to stick her nose in everything, why?”

Why, indeed. Thanks for the recap, Mom, totally light-hearted and friendly-spirited as always.

What did you guys think of both of the episodes?

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Ranking The Oscar Best Picture Nominees By Reviews
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

To add fuel to the debatefire leading into this Sunday’s Oscar telecast, here are the 10 Best Picture Nominees ranked from 10 to 1 according to their Rotten Tomatoes critical rating:

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

So there you have it. The Best Picture Oscar will go to…Avatar. Because it is an unstoppable, lumbering behemoth. But hey, a lot of people liked Up!

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Grizz From 30 Rock Will Singlehandedly Drive The Dow Up A Bazillion Points Or So
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Call your brokers, everyone! Grizz Chapman from 30 Rock rang the New York Stock Exchange opening bell this morning along with members of the National Kidney Foundation. This is a sign. Based on my advanced market analysis, when someone this cool rings the opening bell, the Dow Jones should close just north of the 82,000,000,000 mark. Being that it opened at 10,396, that’s a pretty significant gain. Trust my investing advice here, people*.

*Do not, under any circumstances, trust my investing advice. Don’t even trust my advice about buying vests.

After the jump, see Grizz dumping his shares of Shinehardt Universal. I would invest with Grizz over the Etrade baby any day. [photos via Getty Images]

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The Biggest Damn Magazine Ad I’ve Ever Seen
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

I opened up the latest issue of Sports Illustrated (the one with Sidney Crosby on the cover – wooooo!) and the magazine forcefully directed me to the dead center to behold the most unnecessarily large pop-out magazine ad I’ve ever seen:

I’m surprised The Pacific went with something so understated — I would’ve inserted one of those chips from musical birthday cards to make the magazine blare “THEY SAY IT’S PACIFIC!” set to the tune of The Beatles’ “Birthday” when you open it. And it doesn’t shut off when you close the magazine; you have to watch The Pacific in its entirety then pass a special quiz about it online to retrieve a 50-digit code that you then type into the magazine to turn the music off. Also you can’t just get rid of the magazine, it attaches itself to your face irremovably like an Alien face-hugger as soon as you open it.

Dropped the ball on this one, Pacific. Now you’re only gonna win every Emmy instead of every Emmy plus a special one created just for you.

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The Bachelor Engagement Has Now Lastedddd…. 4 Days
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

This Sunday, much to the pained chagrin of females from coast to coast, ABC’s Bachelor Jake Pavelka got down on his tanned, sexy knee to propose to Vienna, a girl who accidentally fell into her pappy’s alligator meat dehydrator. And the country’s collective heart imploded. Then we remembered… wait, they’re both idiots. And this will probably last about 3 days.

Well, good news! It’s officially lasted about 4 days. Jake and his new lady were seen walking around New York City just casually reminding people that they’re now engaged. Jake was also secretly shilling for this new time machine he’s invented which immediately transports you back to 1995 (nice beeper clip):

And if you think it’s easy for them to walk down New York City’s “Avenue of Thresholds,” think again…

She’s not as light as she looks:

Still, I can’t help but love these adorable idiots. They have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into clearly:

We can’t wait til he falls in love with his Dancing with the Stars partner…

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The Bachelor Thinks With His D, Not With His B (Brain)
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Last night saw the series finale of ABC’s The Bachelor, featuring airline pilot and part-time stomach clothes-washer Jake Pavelka choosing between a gaggle of sharp-toothed, man-thirsty ladies, thrown into a house with a trunk full of sateen clearance prom gowns, and told to do whatever it takes to win this man’s love. It is here that I will personally admit to something: Physically, Jake Pavelka is the hottest bachelor to date. Sure, he’s a borderline moron who was looking for a woman to both wrastle and impregnate, but point being: Physically, he’s near perfection.

A few weeks ago, Jake was down to 4 possible brides: Gia, “Like Gina Gershon, Minus The N-Gershon”; Aly, a blond girl from Rivendell; Tenley, a premature baby who enjoyed dancing; and Vienna, who grew up on freeze-dried alligator meat which she then stuffed into her chest skin to make breasts. Aly eventually left for “work purposes” (really, where does she work, The Drama Barn? I’m here all week.), and it was announced today that she is going to be America’s next Bachelorette. Jake then denied Gia a rose, surprising til we found out later the bitch already has a boyfriend.

Jake was now left with 2 ladies. Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” and the Vienna Sausage Factory.

Each lady was introduced to Jake’s family. The verdict was clear: Tenley was a girl with a 3-chambered heart of gold, while Vienna, the “bad” girl, did not jive with the ladies of her fam.

By this point it was pretty clear. The lady that Jake would to f**k for the rest of his life (or at least the next 12 months) is Vienna. And, so, Vienna is the “lady” who he chose.

Some thoughts:

1. Poor Tenley. The girl is as fragile as a woman with glass bones, both physically and emotionally. She was already DUMPED by her first husband, and now this? On national television? It ain’t right. He spends the entire season telling her he loves her and that he’s falling in love with her, and then cries on a mountain in St. Lucia that things just didn’t feel right. YOU D*CKLESS HUMAN BEING. I wasn’t Tenley’s biggest fan, but sh*t, give the girl a break. She’s only 5 months old.

2. Good Luck with Vienna. Place your bets on how long this engagement lasts. Shorter or Longer than the amount of time it takes for a fly to become a Great Grandmother? This is a tough one.

3. Thankfully, Jake Is Coming Back. On Dancing with the Stars! Bachelor Plot Twist: He falls in love with fellow dancer Kate Gosselin. Can you imagine?

4. This Show Is A Sham. So why do we keep watching it?

What’d you guys think of the outcome last night? Is Jake just a manipulative sexy piece of hot garbage? Do you think him and Vienna will last? How long until Tenley evaporates into dust like Michael Jackson in the “Do You Remember the Times?” video?

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VIDEO: Big Dog Pooping On A Little Dog
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

This twenty-second animation stands as a vicious metaphor for countless aspects of society. Most directly, a larger dog pooping on a smaller dog. But also other stuff too. Cats.

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OK Go Just Won The Internet Again
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

When military scientists invented the internet back in the 1950’s, this is what they had in mind. Behold, the video for OK Go’s “This Too Shall Pass”:

I can’t tell if this video makes me feel sickeningly lazy or like an actually somewhat productive human being. This is the type of thing I would inadvertently get carried away with some Saturday in my apartment before realizing I was supposed to pick up my grandmother at the airport seven hours ago. Either way, just give all the awards we have left in the world to OK Go. And some towels.

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Most Jobs Would Fire You For An Email About Ron Jeremy’s Penis…
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

We get some fun global emails here at MTV Networks. Some are just funny in their complete lack of irony, while others, like this one that we received today, are just literally pornographic and would get anyone instantly fired at 99.9% of jobs that exist:

Subject: FW: Ron Jeremy Porn

Hello everyoneeeee. By any chance do any of you have ANY porn featuring the one and only Ron Jeremy that Undateable can borrow!

No worries… you won’t be judged

Man, at my old job, the one time I sent an email with seventy .gifs of dancing erect penises to the CEO and his family, they were all like “Mr. Hopper that was slightly unreasonable.” I was like, “Eff this Peace Corps BS, I’m gonna go do something that matters, where I won’t be judged for my compulsions to send global emails that yell “D*CKS! D*CKS! D*CKS! D*CKS!” from your Outlook before you even open them.

Bosses are so unreasonable about sending their children d*ck emails! That Dilbert comic was totally right.

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The 40 Most Sexual Photos From The Olympics
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Sometimes, it really looks like they’re having sex, is all I’m saying…

12►

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TRAILER MIX: So This Is What Robert Pattinson Sounds Like…
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Blizzard Confession: Before last night, I had never really heard Robert Pattinson speak. He was always just this presence, this figure, that haunted my waking life. And yes, a single dream, that I’d rather not get into here. His face was stone, a Greek carving with a large, gaping mouth that never spoke. His hair, the crests of sh*twater wave, his face, the giant, gorgeous sh*tcreatures beneath. (This is all complimentary, chill.) But the voice… the voice had long eluded me.

I forced myself to read Twilight as more of a cultural experiment than anything else, but have still never seen the movie. Somehow, interviews with Pattinson had managed to sneak by my Google reader without making a pit stop in my ear canals. And now, years after his “hottest person on Earth” debut… it’s finally happened.

I heard Robert Pattinson speak.

But it wasn’t as his star-making character Edward Cullen, rather in his upcoming movie Remember Me, where Rob dons an American accent that fits him like a pair of irregular Dockers from the outlet store. It is thanks to this trailer that I realized I prefer my Robert Pattinson’s silent, and robots. His voice is just so much less Pattinsonny – ie a deep ol’ man voice — than I was hoping for.

And fair warning to New Yorkers who might still be experiencing some post-Millennial PTSD symptoms… you might want to read the spoilers before heading into the theater.

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