Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” Is The Lesbian Prison Product Placement Music Video of 2010!
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

For those of you needing proof that no matter what, when, how, who, where, why or which way you cut it, Beyonce cannot act, allow us to present to you the music video for “Telephone,” Lady Gaga’s latest single featuring Mz. Knowles in her stiffest performance yet.

But why let Beyonce ruin what could possibly be the best female prison product placement commercial of modern times? If you think that opening the video up in a women’s prison with Gaga writhing around behind bars while in the nude in between making out with the other lady inmates seems cutting edge, let the numerous product placements throughout assure you that, no, in fact, it’s just one long lady-loving infomersh. From Virgin Mobile to Diet Coke, from Wonderbread to Polaroid to Miracle Whip (seriously?) (yes.), even Q-Tarantino’s Pussywagon gets an appearance. Thankfully, Queer Eye’s Jai Rodriguez also gets to product place his face as a local newsanchor.

Gaga says the video was inspired by Tarantino, but it ends up feeling like a poor imitation. Love the girl, but between the ads and Beyonce, we fear this “Telephone” video may have been a slight misstep in an otherwise fabulous run.

Language and “adult situations” might not be safe for work, unless you’re a female prison guard, in which case congratulations, this is your time in the sun, soak it up!

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

Who Are Hollywood’s Oddest Couples?
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: When this couple first started dating back in 2003, most people in America braced themselves for a collective camera crew to burst forth from behind the bushes… because, as a nation, we felt Punk’d. Ashton was 25 and Demi was 40, making her our national cougar mascot. But 7 years later, we realize this pairing was more than just a fling — they’re now officially husband and wife, and by all accounts, still very much in love. Which just goes to show: When you’re 47, but look 30, guys in their 30s will love having sex with you.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: Ah, true love. This marriage is one built on passion, trust, mutual respect, and, if rumors are to be believed, a marriage contract. But seriously, of all the girls in Hollywood, Katie Holmes seemed like the unlikeliest bride for mega-famous movie star Tom Cruise. But whatever keeps these two together, we should all take a moment to thank God they got together, for they have given us one of our few reasons to live… Suri Cruise.

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas: Your classic May/December romance. Only in this case, we’re talking about May of 1995 and December of 1921. While many have trouble figuring out what classic beauty Catherine finds attractive about Michael Douglas, the answer seems fair obvious… the guy has a 49 foot long penis. Watch him strut around in Wall Street, and you’ll understand.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon: We just… we have no idea.

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman: She, a multi-billion dollar, Grammy winning pop superstar. He, the guy you probably went to middle school with. No, really, we know someone who went to middle school with him. I mean, look at them.

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

MARTINI MINUTE: Cruising with Lifehouse!
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

On April 15, BWE.tv will set sail on the Best Cruise Ever, a four-day musical ocean journey with over a dozen of your favorite bands, including 3 Doors Down, Shinedown, Safetysuit, Carolina Liar… and a band that I had the pleasure of inducting into the Martini Minute Hall of Fame, Lifehouse. We sat down with the band of such hits as “You and Me” and “Hanging by a Moment” for a very special cruise-themed Rumrunner Minute, with band members (from l to r) Ben Carey, Rick Woolstenhulme, Jr., Jason Wade and Bryce Soderberg. I’m the assh*le in the middle wearing the captain’s hat, with the Meshach Taylor bangs. Hiyee!

What did I learn about Lifehouse during this brief and all-too-informal interview? Uh, how about that we’re going to have an amazing time on the cruise together? Mani/pedis for everyone!

If you want to join us on this exciting 4 day adventure to the Grand Cayman Islands, it’s not too late! Book your cabin today by clicking here or calling 877-SIXTHMAN. You really should.

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

Don Draper Ken Doll Still Sleeps Around Despite Lack of Genitals
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

The fine folks at Mattel have announced that they will be releasing a special Mad Men inspired line of Barbie dolls, including Don and Betty Draper, the silverest of foxes Roger Sterling, and Joan Holloway, who, from the looks of it, received one of Mattel’s trademarked debreastifications.

But the truest of Mad Men fans must wonder… where are the dolls of our most beloved characters? How are we supposed to reenact Sal’s famous bellhop scene without the help of a beefy Salvatore Romano action figure? And what about Pete Campbell? Who’s going to inappropriately touch the rest of our dolls without a smarmy-faced plastic Pete? We need at least 5 more Mad Men dolls to be able to live out our most sordid of Dark-Helmet-like fantasies.

Doll disappointments aside, we obviously adore these dolls. Though isn’t it telling that a KEN DOLL version of Don Draper is somehow still less handsome than the actual living man, Jon Hamm? No flesh-colored plastic crotch nubbin is going to keep this doll away from the bevvy of dolls flinging themselves at his feet. If you see Skipper’s convertible parked outside of the Draper home, don’t act all shocked and sh*t.

‘Mad Men’ Dolls in a Barbie World, but the Cocktails Must Stay Behind — NY Times

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

You Can’t Write This Stuff: The News Talks About Caulk In The Butt
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Most working days in the news game you have to talk about stuff like the health care debate or Afghanistan. But, every now and then a special day arrives when you get to talk about a guy in New Jersey putting caulk in women’s butts. That is when it all becomes worth it:

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

Burrito The Golfing Dog Sinks Ball in Our Heart
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

File this post under “How the Hell Did We Miss This?” Earlier this morning, The Today Show announced that they were accepting applications for their 2010 “Top Dog” contest. And to motivate viewers into getting their acts together (literally, dogs on piano, dogs in tap shoes) and submit a video, they had the good sense to show us footage from past winners. Including Burrito, a chihuahua who plays golf.

Well, OK. He sucks at golf. It takes him a good 5 tries to get the ball off the tee, all while looking up at his owner with the giant eyes of a small Mexican dog who has seen the face of the Devil. In unrelated news, it’s adorrrrable. The small bag of clubs over his shoulder really sells this one, for us.

This post brought to you by some story from Reader’s Digest, probably.

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

CAPTION THIS: Two American Heroes Argue Over Who Has Gotten Higher In Their Lifetime
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Hollywood’s two new favorite non-actors Buzz Aldrin and Shaun White attended the Vanity Fair Oscar Party last night. I’m guessing they are pitching a movie about snowboarders who accidentally attend space camp due to a paperwork mixup:

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

TRAILER MIX: Just In Case You Wanted All Of Iron Man 2 Ruined For Yourself, Watch This
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Now that the Oscars are behind us, we never had to hear the words “Avatar” or “The Hurt Locker” or “The Novel Push By Sapphire” ever again for the rest of time. We do, however, have to hear the words Iron Man 2 for another few months, and a new trailer was dropped on an unsuspecting public last night. Not to give too much away, but this trailer gives too much away:

I’ll still be there opening night, even though I know how it ends now: Tony Stark replaces Don Cheadle with Gabourey Sidibe.

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

While You Were Queen Of The World
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

• Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director at the Oscars and her film The Hurt Locker took Best Picture. As per the new Academy rules, however, she has to let James Cameron lick both statues.
• Despite lasting over three hours last night, the Oscars had to cut the traditional number of Hitler jokes down to just two.
• Christoph Waltz won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Inglourious Basterds. If history has its way, he should be starring in the Boat Trip sequel by this time next year.
• At the Vanity Fair Oscar Party last night, Jennifer Aniston was spotted making out with one of the prawns from District 9. She’ll never learn, that one.
• In one of the biggest snubs of the night, Fisher Stevens, producer of the winning documentary The Cove, forgot to thank his Short Circuit costar Johnny 5. It was sooo awkward.
• Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland made $116,000,000 this weekend, making it a shoo-in to lose to The Hurt Locker 2: Locked N’ Loaded next year.

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

Oscars Liveblog. 7 PM. Right Here. The TIME. For QUESTIONS. IS OVER.
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Looking for some Oscars coverage? You’re in luck! You’ve come to the only website or site of any kind (camp, grave, you name it) that is covering the 2010 Academy Awards.

This coming Sunday night, starting at 7:00 pm, join us for LIVEBLOGGING THE OSCARS, featuring myself, Anthony from The Fab Life, and YOU! And I don’t mean “you” in that hypothetical “everyone can contribute” way — I mean that only you, the person reading this, have literally just been hired by us to help liveblog the Oscars! Alright, I did mean it in an “everyone can comment” kind of way. But we don’t get paid either, if that helps.

Where’s Michelle, you ask? You are one disingenuous-ass commenter, commenter that I made up (I’ll call you “Mary Disengenuo”). Well, Mary, Michelle will be too busy hosting her own live, in-person Oscar party at the 92Y Tribeca in New York. So if you require actual human contact to enjoy your Oscar-watching, and are near New York city, you can go there.

If not, you’ll have to settle for inhuman, distant, digital contact with yours truly! To make it more intimate, I will be Chat Roulette masturbating the entire time I’m liveblogging, which you won’t be able to watch, but it’ll come across in the tone of my writing. Plus I have literally hundreds of awesome jokes prepared about the documentary short China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province. That sucker’s gettin’ SO ROASTED Sunday night.

BWE.tv. 7:00 pm. Sunday night. Oscars. Presenters. Speeches. Predictions. Fragments. Be there! (Here!)



Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives: From OC to NY, Idiots, All of Them
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Last night, The Real Housewives of The O.C. came to a dramatic close, and in true amazing Bravo form, it led right into the season premiere of The Real Housewives of New York – kind of like The O.C., but cattier, and more brunette.

As per tradition, I phoned up my dear mother, Judy Collins of Miami, Florida, to get her opinion about both episodes. Judy was in a bit of a rush this evening, as her and my father have a new kitten to attend to.

So let’s begin with the amazing finale of The O.C. Housewives: A Giant Party, Slutty Dresses, Drunk Children and a F**king Divorce.

Judy begins: “The setting was like paradise! Oh my God. I was happy to see Jeanna. And let me tell you: I was so glad that she’s fatter than me. That, I think, made my evening. Here is an ex-Playboy bunny and she’s fatter than me! Now Vicky… that dress… my coworker emailed me and thought it was hot, but I don’t know. Some people think that dimples are pretty. Gretchen? I didn’t like when she came with the white dress and they were making fun of her. So what?? She came to a nice summer party. She’s so beautiful. As dumb as she is, I have to forgive her cause she’s such a beauty. You can’t have everything – and God gave her a body and a face.”

On to Tamra: “Uch, Simon! I only hope that Hitler is going to come and get him. The good side of Hitler, the one that likes the dogs. First of all, I think he got ugly. He used to be cute, but now he’s got tuchus for face. And he really is a jealous disgusting human being. I cannot stand him.”

“Tamra I felt a little bit sorry for her that she’s married to an assh*le like this. I hope that this guy eats sh*t. I wish that this economic downturn will never turn back. And that’s from my good side wishes it on him.”

“Tamra’s dress? I thought it was sensational, and I didn’t think it was that short. I’ve seen her in far more revealing dresses than that. The guy is just nasty. He never tells her when her boobs are hanging out, and she has pretty legs. I thought it was like a sack. He is A D*CK. He deserves nothing but the worst in life.”

“And let’s take care of that assh*le Lynn, who definitely has hay for brains. I want people to do an MRI on her brain, they’re gonna find sh*t in there that nobody else has. Two disturbed f*cked up daughters. And they’ll never get better. They are NEVER gonna get better. I feel very bad for her husband, he’s working for her now. He’s such a nice guy! That to protect them he never said what’s going on in his job. And after she knew!! She had the audacity to spend $1200 to spend on an ugly jacket! People like this should be hung in the OC piazza.”

“I mean how stupid are you, seriously? And Alexis I don’t even want to talk about because… she and her mafioso husband, what a dog ugly… fooy.”

Very insightful, no? But we’re not done. Here is my mother’s more-rambling-than usual recap of The Real Housewives of NY premiere:

“Wow. Let me tell you something. Bethenny’s new boyfriend looks very gay to me.”

“This guy — I’m telling daddy ‘This guy is so gay!’ Daddy said ‘But he impregnated her!’ I said ‘Yeah, but on the way he blew somebody!’ (I break into the conversation to agree with my mother on this point, comparing Bethenny’s boyfriend to one of my mother’s ex-managers, a gay.) “They look exactly alike!! Did you talk to Daddy? Did he tell you I said that? You know, there are apples that don’t fall far from the tree? Your apple is too close to my apple.” (Will repeat this line to my therapist at some point.)

“And Jill’s overbearingness with Bethenny… There was something there yesterday that I totally equated with my relationship with Christina (Ed. Note: A former friend). For Jill to call her 4 times a day, and wanting to with her on vacation — whether the guy is gay or not! Oh, if you go, we’ll come with you? Really? You wanna shove yourself up my ass?? That was Christina. Who can tolerate this after a while? You need a little buffer zone. So I had to start lying to her that we’re going to family on the holidays, if you remember, so she wouldn’t come. I need a friendship where I have to start to lie to you because you are overbearing? (Ed. Note: The previous question is how Jewish people make statements) The best thing that ever happened to me was yanking her out of my life like some cancer.”

“Well first of all, Luanne is a sick human being. I don’t know who Chief Kish Mir In Tuchus is, but what is this Countess business? Who do you call Countess? We live in a democracy!! Real royalty, seriously, they don’t insist that people should call them by their titles, because in the US we don’t bow and we don’t kiss ass to no countess! Where is she from? From Connecticut!! Some Indian town. I’m glad her husband dumped her! She deserved it.” (Way harsh, Mom.)

“I have never seen any of the O.C .girls constantly talk behind the back and bickering like here. And this is the Countess? Where is half a brain? And the one that I hate the most. That Kelly. Oy gevalt. I’m telling you Mr. Ed. Put them side by side! Same face. I’m waiting to see the two new cast members cause maybe there’s half a brain in there somewhere.”

“Bethenny? She doesn’t bother me. She’s a smart girl. She knows how to finagle. You know what, she made something of herself. That countess business has to end ASAP. Seriously.”

“Ramona. Well. As meshuge as Ramona is — and she has crazy eyes — but that Luanne has no business bringing this up on the boat. Mario can’t be normal, he’s married to Ramona, what do you want? And then for Jill to stick her nose – Let Luanne fight her own battles! But these Jews they have to be in everything. She had to stick her nose in everything, why?”

Why, indeed. Thanks for the recap, Mom, totally light-hearted and friendly-spirited as always.

What did you guys think of both of the episodes?

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

Ranking The Oscar Best Picture Nominees By Reviews
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

To add fuel to the debatefire leading into this Sunday’s Oscar telecast, here are the 10 Best Picture Nominees ranked from 10 to 1 according to their Rotten Tomatoes critical rating:

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

So there you have it. The Best Picture Oscar will go to…Avatar. Because it is an unstoppable, lumbering behemoth. But hey, a lot of people liked Up!

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

Grizz From 30 Rock Will Singlehandedly Drive The Dow Up A Bazillion Points Or So
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

Call your brokers, everyone! Grizz Chapman from 30 Rock rang the New York Stock Exchange opening bell this morning along with members of the National Kidney Foundation. This is a sign. Based on my advanced market analysis, when someone this cool rings the opening bell, the Dow Jones should close just north of the 82,000,000,000 mark. Being that it opened at 10,396, that’s a pretty significant gain. Trust my investing advice here, people*.

*Do not, under any circumstances, trust my investing advice. Don’t even trust my advice about buying vests.

After the jump, see Grizz dumping his shares of Shinehardt Universal. I would invest with Grizz over the Etrade baby any day. [photos via Getty Images]

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

The Biggest Damn Magazine Ad I’ve Ever Seen
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

I opened up the latest issue of Sports Illustrated (the one with Sidney Crosby on the cover – wooooo!) and the magazine forcefully directed me to the dead center to behold the most unnecessarily large pop-out magazine ad I’ve ever seen:

I’m surprised The Pacific went with something so understated — I would’ve inserted one of those chips from musical birthday cards to make the magazine blare “THEY SAY IT’S PACIFIC!” set to the tune of The Beatles’ “Birthday” when you open it. And it doesn’t shut off when you close the magazine; you have to watch The Pacific in its entirety then pass a special quiz about it online to retrieve a 50-digit code that you then type into the magazine to turn the music off. Also you can’t just get rid of the magazine, it attaches itself to your face irremovably like an Alien face-hugger as soon as you open it.

Dropped the ball on this one, Pacific. Now you’re only gonna win every Emmy instead of every Emmy plus a special one created just for you.

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like 

The Bachelor Engagement Has Now Lastedddd…. 4 Days
Category: Celebrity and Gossip>Best Week Ever

This Sunday, much to the pained chagrin of females from coast to coast, ABC’s Bachelor Jake Pavelka got down on his tanned, sexy knee to propose to Vienna, a girl who accidentally fell into her pappy’s alligator meat dehydrator. And the country’s collective heart imploded. Then we remembered… wait, they’re both idiots. And this will probably last about 3 days.

Well, good news! It’s officially lasted about 4 days. Jake and his new lady were seen walking around New York City just casually reminding people that they’re now engaged. Jake was also secretly shilling for this new time machine he’s invented which immediately transports you back to 1995 (nice beeper clip):

And if you think it’s easy for them to walk down New York City’s “Avenue of Thresholds,” think again…

She’s not as light as she looks:

Still, I can’t help but love these adorable idiots. They have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into clearly:

We can’t wait til he falls in love with his Dancing with the Stars partner…

Blog contents are provided by Best Week Ever

0 people like this post.

Like